There is just no Room: Uganda and its Anti-Ness.

I'm not a huge fan of politics. 

I think it is corruptible, at times cruel, and even more often, removed from the citizens it is supposed to protect and serve. As a free lesbian in the Caribbean, I have seen throughout my region, what politics and legislature can do to the GLBTQ community. There are laws against, so that the law can so see fit to slap a few wrists and cart a few gays to prison, and there are a few laws to protect, which seem to get hidden in the rubble and the dust, behind the shiny Bibles and religious fanatics when our rights are infringed upon and we are placed in danger. 

Notice that I say We. I have been fortunate to receive only minor homophobia, physical blows in high school, name calling, name ruining, gossip, fear and rough manhandling when arguments ensue. However, by using We I want to impress that I believe as a community in danger, We are all responsible for each others actions. The politics that seek to protect and that seek to harm, are our responsibility to watch, to be wary of, and to protest and act upon when danger raises and anger follows. When one acts in an irresponsible manner we all feel it, when one is hurt, we should too all feel it.
 

OK so the intent of this post is to comment on Uganda and its new Anti-Gay legislature. I know I am behind on this, my nose has been buried in Visual Anthropology and the ethics of Museum Display, so that when a dear friend said, "You hear about Africa's Anti-New Gay law?!" my brain went in many directions and many many bells went off screaming.

1. Minor Pet Peeve: Africa is a CONTINENT of over 52 (I think 53 to be exact) Nation States. Each country is different from the other. Uganda passed that new law. Not Africa.

2. Uganda passed a new 'Anti-Gay' law? Since when? What rock have I hidden myself in?!

The bill passed in October allows for the Ugandan government to pass harsher penalties (including that good ole Death Penalty) to those caught in homosexual activity. Now at first I was a bit scared and relieved. It meant that only people CAUGHT would get in trouble right? No, as I looked closer I realized that the law also REQUIRES that "any citizen who suspects another person of being homosexual, is required to report the homosexual to police, or they too may receive a fine or time in prison. The proposed bill goes so far as to forbid landlords from renting to a known homosexual, and would ban any public discussion of homosexuality" (US Slams Uganda Anti-Gay Bill).

Now really. I'm pissed off. As I have stated before, I do not like politics, I avoid it as much as possible. I'm no activist, I'd rather work underground and help people understand the gay community through direct dialogue or art or anything that isn't shouting and loud protests. However, this law passed by Uganda is a venerable witch-hunt. Not only does it infringe upon the papa UN's declaration of Human Rights (which, sorry, isn't a declaration that is culturally sensitive, I battle with this declaration too much...) but it also creates a VERY unhealthy environment in the country. This is my concern here, the bill I believe, will encourage a culture of hyper-heterosexuality. Not only will those of homosexual orientation have to run and hide, deeper and deeper in the closet but now heterosexual citizens or those not of any sort of GLBTQ nature will have to be very aware of themselves and how they portray themselves. This perpetuates negative and awful stereotypes about GLBTQ individuals because people will do their best to appear and act 'normal' and the only way to do that, is know how NOT to act based on gay stereotypes. 

Not only that, it turns citizens against each other. Who is there to trust? How can a country survive when individuals are afraid of their own neighbor, afraid of their own family members and friends? 

Doesn't seem Very Christian-like if you ask me.

Claire.

Where Is Your Heart?

My friend is doing a project, a safe one of sorts, where she has to detail a simple phrase: Where is your heart?

So I ask you dear friends, where is your heart?

My heart is in my land, dug beneath its salty golden sand, where the ocean meets the rock, you'll find my heart. My heart is also in my sky, with the hurricane winds and the smell of sea grape, the haunt of a burning bush, my heart is in my land. My heart is where it shouldn't be, in a country of crosses and unforgiving thoughts, where to love women and sneak glances as I do, is not so good. My heart will always be in my land.

When I used to know you-so-well.

Give it Up to Me-Shakira

So I partially posted this as an excuse to stare at Shakira whenever I come on my page. Personal lusting aside- I like this song for its chorus:

"You can have it all

Anything you want you can make it yours
Anything you want in the world
Anything you want in the world"

It brings to mind certain things to me, that I truly do believe: That we can have anything we want in the world. I do not speak of the physical, I do not mean the jaded diamonds or the towers of gold, the stupid names written in newspapers, large houses, owning islands and sea and sand, I mean that we can have happiness, and what we want in the world.

It is so easy, to slip and slide and say, oh oh I cant have it, I cant do that, why am I not happy, why am I not able to get what I want? Why why why why-why? I am a big culprit of this, I violate this act ever so often, especially when times of confidence are down and emotions are at an all time, all new low. After my recent break up, and hopeful keeping of her as a friend (I'm a stubborn one, I tell you!) I recently came out to my mother. Now this is not some simple-feat, Id been dreading the day since I accepted my sexuality and myself. However, I chose to act on this line, and have anything I want in the world and that I wanted truth and I wanted sanity and I wanted myself to feel, to be open, to weep and cry but feel and move on from the love, that still resides deep and on the surface of my heart and skin.

And I realised, that I was letting, culture, myself, my fears and insecurities from letting me have what I wanted from myself, from the world. My mother thankfully took it relatively well. Shes quiet, and shes cried tons and wont talk to me much but, I am at peace.

Why is it then as people that we let ourselves hide from what we want? that we let other things dictate what we can and cannot have? I know what I want, and im going to gather my strength and Bahamian Androsia skirts around my heart and courage to get it, what makes me happy and to keep it. I love women, with their hips and sighs, and I won't let culture, I won't let God, I won't let myself, stop me from the touch and looks that I know I want. Go get what you want, go be happy. Don't let them stop you. Don't let you, stop you.

Life Check List as dictated by a jaded and somewhat snarky and happy 20 year old, shivering-under-blankets:

• Learn to accept her sexuality: I am lesbian hear me roar!
• Come out to family (well half done, still have to do father...)
  
• Learn to not, let shyness and fears take over her
• Travel the art of the world
  
• Paint till she's finally happy
• Find someone to love her, and someone that will stay with her, for better or worse
• Learn to master french
• Learn to smile with the open-est of hearts.
  

This Same song keeps Damn-Playing

Ok so its over. Again. I swear to myself this is the last time.

I haven't given up on you love, i never will, so dont you give on me first.

Me Stud, you Femme.

Im sitting now in my Visual Anthropology class, pondering an interesting conversation I had yesterday with a fellow Bahamian who goes to school with me (there are 2 of us in 3000).

As a Bahamian proud woman who considers herself hetereosexual with many, queer identified friends she asked me a question she, seemed ashamed to ask:

Why then, when I walk around Nassau, or even Freeport and see gay couples, do I often (not always) see a very masculine woman and a very feminine woman. Why such gendered concepts in a community that sought to break it?

And, for someone like myself who can run her mouth at a million miles a minute, I couldn't think of a blasted thing to say. Why then? Often on DL (which I have now left, too much drama- that's another topic) you'd see messages pop up saying, StudxStud love, is it OK? FemmexFemme is weird, and many other words that disapproved of women along the same gender expression being attracted to each other. On another side also, you'd see the side of how power was displayed. Id see many raging topics with, Is it ok to strap-up on a stud? Treat your Femme like the woman she is! The stud is the head of the house!

This brings up issues of gender, what gender expression is, notions of power, that femme, or 'girly' is weak, who has the physical, mental, social and economic power but also who has the sexual power, who is the dominant? WHY do we need a dominant? 


And i find that interesting that in a community that so blatantly breaks gender norms in a very strict culture such as the Bahamas, why then do some, express and seem to even insist on a mirrored gender form in the gay community?

My head cant wrap around it. Thoughts?

So Maybe-Not-So-Finished

Ok,

SO maybe my relationship is not-so-finished. Its difficult. Its frustrating. Its beautiful. Its calming.

I don't know.


I just know she makes me happy. And that I can say what I want, and speak my mind, I can be me, hop around my little peacock Aladdin-esque pants, I can draw what I want, say everything I so please, I can sing and dance in the rain with her, or she'll look and laugh.

I jsut know she makes me happy.

And thats all I want, I just want to be happy. I wont care for the future-the-then, the-maybe, the-someday, I care for the now.

I dont know. Pray for me? Pray for my relationship? and have faith it will work out.

"I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy"

Private Message

I am on the way-too-drama filled, Bahamas Issues. Recently I got into a tiny conversation with someone, someone who chooses to remain anonymous but in myself, I choose to be honest and bold with them. Anyway. They asked some interesting questions and I'll relay- my thoughts words and deeds with them.

Question: Also i wanted to know how will you fit your lifestyle and career in your daily walk when you graduate,and are you prepared to focus entirely on your phd or invest your time,energy and resources in fighting for gay rights.Just asking.

Answer:I appreciate that question you ask: i will be honest because it is all i can do. the answer is, i don't have a darn clue. i want people to judge me on my work, on the effort i put into society, into myself and my fellow Bahamians and friends. not my sexual orientation. my goals are grad school, then PhD in museum curator studies, i want to open a cultural museum at home and make it thrive- not just something random tourists like. I want Androsia to be sought after as beautiful- not only for its excellent craftsmanship and imagination but also because it is ours. we covet too much from outside our borders i think. maybe we should bring it back home. in real life, i am not this close and open about my sexual orientation, only those deathly close to me know of it, or those who have maybe seen the few seconds ive glanced into a lovers eyes, or touched their arm. its rare for me to be so open: the past and the scars i carry physically remind me not too.

but that also pushes me to anger. why should i not be who i am? when i work i believe personal should be left out- but it will no doubt influence who i am, because of it i am always marked as different, as alien and indefinitely foreign. I'm not one to fight for gay rights, one of my closest friend is a gay male Jamaican, we have similar likes and dislikes, but he seeks to fight. i only seek to inform. i want to fight, i have too much fire and words in my womanly soul to keep in, but fighting never did any good. just look at what good its done around us.

so i declare now, in some sort of weird way, that i only want to inform. i want to educate and open eyes, i want them to pull their blinds away and just to see, to see that the differences, sometimes aren't so different, aren't so much foreign and terrible in essence. i don't expect people to feel that i am morally just, what they judge me on is up to them, i have my own judge and my own morals. i dont expect them to welcome me with open arms, but like others who have spoken in shadows or with loud voices, i only ask that you understand. and that's all i want. is for us, to understand.

Mmmm

Oh my goodness. Ive been a bad one. Im actually being bad now- I have massive amounts of french homework- but im in a state of down-ness right now that doesnt allow for conducive work. THat and this song I thought I long banned from my darn playlist keeps playing causing me-no-end-of-20-year-old-emotional-grief, Now Youre Gone by Basshunter just go!

So Ive been bad. Did I say that already? well yes, So much time has passed and muddoes, some stuff went down over the summer and these past few months of my life. TO those that care and those that dont but are for some reason still reading this (I love you too) let me fill you in.

I turned 20. Yay for me, uneventful but spent with a special lady.
Special lady is my new girlfriend, shes a darling love from The Bahamas and makes me wrinkle my nose in happiness and produce childish giggles when happy. She can also make me frown in seconds, but I like that- I can express myself without fear.
I spent 2 months in an intensive french program, the kind that if you get caught youre oh-so-dead, so I risked my anglicisme, for my lovely lady and my family. Sorry blogger. You lost.
Im skipping a year in college, as in cutting it out of the way by taking on way too many classes, being the loud mouth Bahamian center piece for the international student organization, president of a pointless over organization, i have a new job that frees my time but meetings-meetings-meetings, its fun its lovely, its terrifying, my way too attractive boss terrifies me to my utter core, we call her the dragon lady. Shhh.

Thats all I believe, Im a tad sad right now, I thought I was going to be lucky enough to see my girl during thanksgiving but alas, it was not to be. Its no ones fault but I hate looking forward to something and it go poof- but it will be alright it will be fine, we'll talk and i'll stammer on in my way, and cram as much time in during Christmas I suppose.

mmm.

DowneLink.com

So.

Recently I joined Downelink.com, kinda like a queer version of facebook. I didn't want to, but I was really bummin' one day and my friends convinced me. I hate to say it but im terribly hooked. Its amazing the amount of people on it, not to say the amount of Bahamian WOMEN. Now not all are queer, some are just curious, some are just nosy, and some are just plain stupid.

On this social website you find the whole range in people, though the whole Stud-Femme bullshit comes up quite often, you can find any sort of person. Its good to find a date on, or, just good to find someone to talk to. Beware though, there are the usual creepers. But i haven't found one person yet who has made me want to run, and i even ran into one of my 'friends' on it the other day. Awkward yes. But she looked hella cute in that cop uniform.

What can I say? i think I'm lookin' for a 'Tasha' in my life. Bring on the women!

You can run- And you're not even hiding

It's been- what- 2 to 3 months? Im out of school- im gone from that awful place for the summer. I'm in my room now, surrounded by paints, paper, pencils and all matter of things that will create a general mess. But it feels so good. So So good.

Have I ever complained about the lack of gay people in the Bahamas? have I? yes?... If I have, I take it back- I really do. It's the biggest lie, or truthful- lie Ive ever breathed into life. After spending a year looking at upper to middle class white lesbians, and their styles, trying to figure out what makes one appear gay, what makes register on ones 'gaydar', Ive come home and been blown apart.

We're everywhere. No, I really mean it. We are e v e r y w h e r e. Im not saying that Smith College assisted me in picking out the flaming lesbians, the quiet ones, and the church going woman-loving-woman types- rather I think I fell into what is a common Bahamian and stupid belief.

Oh Now I get to my point aye- it took a long time comin' too.

I believed that there were, practically, no gay people. In the back of my mind, I assumed- no- there have to be SOME. But in my self-absorbed, teenage angst, I couldn't find any. Now, after being gone from this country for 3 years, I come back, and POW. Its a beautiful blast in the face, a very delightful bruise to the face and mind. There really are, excuse my language, a shit load of queer-ish people in this country! and im not even in the capital!!

Im miserable now, because I am only here till June 26. Well, let us just say, till I leave, i better have some sort of fun! But i'll elaborate on this later- my paint bleeding into the wrong corner.

Don't

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option- Unknown

L is for Lesbian Visibility?

So what makes you a dyke huh?

I hate stereotypes, yet, stereotypes just permeate throughout society. They're like awful rashes, the ones that go away a bit but never enough to make you stop itchin. Not even that sleepy benadryll helps you enough. So then, in our dyke-ish community, what makes you stand out? and what is gaydar other than just a semi 'sixth sense' that builds itself on these stereotypes?

The last post was on stereotypes, mostly personal ones that Ive encountered between the butch-femme dichotomy, and for me- who has to be complicated of course and not identify with either- its infuriating. So then, this is another way to attack or.. recognize stereotypes. What makes you or me a dyke?

It is so obvious to use ones personal rainbow gaydar to find the butchie or semi-butch or just plain old, lesbian or bi girl who doesn't walk around in heels and a tempting-mini. But that's cause it, those styles are what stereotypes love. They love the butch femme, it fuels the whole gender binary, of course there has to be a man in the relationship! just make the man-woman the butch! Now really, this isn't meant to offend but it just came to me when i was arguing about so called gaydar. And also arguing about my lack of 'gayness'.

No one ever thinks I'm gay. e v e r. whenever people see me they want to know what guy I'm bangin' in my room or what man has his hands in my pants. they always are ever so sadly shocked when they realise its gonna be a she. I have to wear freaking rainbow tags or bracelets for people to realise that oops- this girly here don't like men.

So i guess my point in a beat-round-the-damn-bush way, is what makes gaydar, gaydar, and why is it so hard for women who do not appear stereotypically dyke-ish, to find a woman?

thoughts?

Picture-Of-A-Million-Words

For all the Semi-Femmes/Different Girls,

So I recently had a conversation with a gay friend from home. Like me, terribly in the closet but we have a different set of difficulties.

I breeze by when at home, my gayness goes unnoticed unless I mention it to people. It is not indeed obvious or apparent to those that have or do not have gaydar. Such is my life. To go unnoticed. It is safe, it is warm, it is cold and ever so lonely. I do not fit the stereotype. I am not super femme, I am not the woman in the relationship and she the pseudo-man. I do not like heels, I hate sneakers. I wear black jeans, run from skirts but love dresses. You ll never see me in makeup but you ll never catch me without eyeliner . I am not femme but I definitely cant say I'm butch. I'm not freaking girly, I'm not tomboy, my style is my own. Artsy, a bit OK alot queerky. It doesn't fit any gendered concept. So. In complete and utter crudeness and inappropriate-ness, fuck off.

She. She runs from heels, she hates skirts and will die before she even manages to inch into a dress. She is a baby butch, not hard core, grab-the-imaginary-crotch kind. She just exudes gayness, she is tomboy-esque and very different from what a 'normal' girl would look like. So living in the closet for her is not, the easy task as it is for me. However, she lives in fear, but she is never lonely, there are always girls who want her, who love her and sleep with her.

We are polar opposites, i can live by unnoticed but I am terribly lonely. I wish for the love of someone else but no one does because the only people who notice me, aren't women we can say. She wishes to live hassle free, but she isn't lonely, she wants to breeze by. But she is never lonely.


What is this then? A lesson on goddamn-stereotypes. Just because I hate sports and I'm not butch. Does not, and I mean does not mean that I am not any less gay than she. Ever watch the L Word? Shane isn't quite butch but she looks soberingly horrible in a dress, she is neither and of course that just drives anyone with hormones and genitals over the lonely bend. But look at the others, Bette or Tina, they aren't butch, some would definitely call them femme then.


I hate this, because I'm so called normal in my clothing style I cant get a girl? cause no one thinks I'm gay? that is plain bull in my opinion. I stand for all semi-femmes/different girls out there. We exist and hurt. We need to be seen.



So open your damn-able eyes.

learn